Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Tao Of Bathroom Wisdom


It's day 2 for me. I have to learn the whole art of spreading the daily points out so I don't end up with the majority of them bunched up like wedged undies around lunch or dinner time.I got to the evening and still had 14 points left to reach my daily number and felt a bit weird about having to portion out some more brown rice and shrimp and work some peanut butter, apple slices and a cup of cocoa in to an evening snack to use them up.

So why, when faced with being encouraged to eat more than I expected yesterday, did I not feel a small party going on in my head? Something had definitely shifted inside me. Just a little.

I found myself moving around my house the same as I do each day: take the dogs out, feed them, clean the kitchen, drop some laundry in the washer, putter, putter, write, blah, blah. Several times throughout the day, I felt an odd "something is missing" sensation. Do I have my glasses? Check. Was there a phone call I was supposed to make? No. Nothing. Was I supposed to have some important task completed or a problem resolved and it must be a big one, like accomplish World Peace, because I can't shake this sensation that what's missing has been on the To Do list for ages.

Some of my best thinking happens in the bathroom. It's basically the only room where I can go and never have another person or four legged friend following me in there, so my think time is blissfully uninterrupted. Well, there was that one work friend back in the early '80's that had ZERO personal boundaries who would come and sit on the floor to continue the never ending saga of her life that she really, really, really needed to tell me right at the same time that I really, really, really needed to pee, but that is a different story. So, there I was headed to my Sanctum Sanctorum for a few moments of "reflection" and as I turned to descend to my place on the porcelain throne, it hit me. The thing that was missing hit me. Not the actual porcelain throne. I had been walking around all day AS IF I were ALREADY thin again.

What was missing was the voice inside me that I have heard for several years that sounds like heckling and disparaging comments about my body and my health and my ability to ever get going and take this excess weight off of me. The voice was gone. What I realized in that moment was that even that annoying, hurtful, self deprecating companion that had been living inside my head was still a type of companion. Obviously the worst kind of companion but a companion none the less, and now it was gone. That voice has been making snarky and painful insults at me since the very second I tried to put on my "skinny" jeans and couldn't fasten them many years ago.

We've all got at least one friend who is never happy, always complaining, ever in some sort of self possessed crisis. Instead of removing them from our circle of influence, we drag them along like the 50 year old snapping turtle you inherited from your great grand dad and you secretly loathe but feel obligated to keep instead of donating it to a zoo where it might actually be happy around it's own kind. The weight loss is indeed a challenge and I have begun. The continuing silence and absence of my old frenemy who I shall call Shameus, is an even bigger challenge.

Shameus is the "Bouncer" that holds the job of keeping the door safely shut between the every day world and the ocean of information, healing and creativity and inspiration that exists in our subconscious. Back on a shelf, somewhere in my life's list of things I can actually do but have benched because I felt too fat to pursue them as a career, is hypnotherapy. I actually have my certification as a Hypnotherapist. I also have other technologies that I have trained in and rarely used because Shameus could knock the courage out of me in one second flat. And that 's his job after all, isn't it; to shame us?

I've got a sharp carrot to fend him off now
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