Friday, January 14, 2011

The Twilight Of Immortal Weight Loss

“Edward stood beside me, casting no shadow, excruciatingly lovely and forever seventeen.” Yep. There it is right there. The last two words in that line of dialog from the blockbuster hit movie New Moon: The Twilight Saga; forever seventeen.

I was a Goddess at seventeen. I was still a Goddess at 27. True story: when I first moved to Florida, I was washing my car in my driveway-in a very isolated private community. Being August in swamp world, I was wearing a bikini top and some cut off jean shorts. Not Daisy Dukes but more conservative. A young guy drove past, staring at me, and he drove right into the tree in front of my house. You’ve never seen a more flustered and embarrassed boy, especially when he had to use my phone for a tow truck and his five second gawkfest turned into a 30 minute humiliation exercise with a married woman.

Back to the Twilight Saga, guilty. You got me. I have read the books and seen the movies and I will be seeing the last two films as well. Does this take IQ points away from me? Nah. I still have a voracious appetite (funny how we use eating words for so many things) for reading and researching a ridiculously diverse range of topics. I and a zillion others simply enjoy the occasional foray into the mysterious world of teen angst, impossible romance and first love that never ends. “Obviously”, says Stephanie Meyer as she flies off in her new Space Shuttle she bought with book and movie royalty monies. You’re either a fan or you’re not.

Here’s a little rant I wrote after hearing some guys (and gals) saying they didn’t get the whole vampire fantasy fascination.~~What do you mean you don’t “get” the Twilight thing? Here’s a multi lingual, musical, dangerously over educated guy who is over 100 years old yet trapped forever in a perfect, young body. He’s a gentleman with impeccable manners. He’s ridiculously wealthy so he doesn’t need a job. He listens to everything you have to say and finds you not only interesting and intelligent but also entertaining. His only job is to love you and protect you and since he never sleeps he does both of those things 24/7, which, granted, is a little creepy and stalker-ish but come on, have you seen this guy? So he drinks animal blood to stay alive. So what? I’m still eating cows, though I prefer to let someone else bonk them on the head and grind them up before I do. It’s no less barbaric. And to add to all this, you also get a funny, charming, devoted and beautiful young Native American guy who would die for you and, oh by the way, he can shape shift into a wolf in case you ever need a warm fuzzy blanket or someone to fend off danger. So what’s not to get? Think of it this way, what Twilight is for women, is what two 18 year old centerfolds who think you’re a total stud, a freaking genius, and who sit silently looking pretty while you watch sports all day in your underwear would be to a man. So, now what’s not to get?~~

How weight loss comes into play in this blog-isode is this: after watching one of the movies, I thought how amazing it would be to have all the time in the world to learn whatever you wanted to learn. You could master languages, learn to play every musical instrument ever made, read every book ever written and train in every field of study. In the next instant, in my head I saw a skit hatched that could have been out of an SNL show (when it was funny) where I’m undergoing the transformation process to become a vampire and I “wake up” sparkly and super strong but still in my over weight body- wait for it- FOREVER.

CRAP! The reason these stories are so appealing is because the vampires all look like they have spent a year on an island as a prisoner of Jillian Michaels and a team of Brazilian plastic surgeons and THEN they were frozen in time. The mere thought of being stuck for eternity in my elastic waistband mom jeans was what really began the brain readjustment that awakened me to the BIG TRUTH: being overweight is really a choice that I can make every single day.

British comic, Ricky Gervais, brilliantly says in his HBO special that getting fat is a project we can back out of at anytime. I’ve decided to back out. Not my cup of tea to go “all the way” with this. The thought of continuing my own saga of 37 clothing changes before I can go out the door is daunting. Kneeling down on the floor of the bra department because the beootches who stock the shelves put the bigger sizes on the bottom rungs, and the fact that my closets hold so many things I cannot wear is why being frozen in time today would be a seriously bad idea. I would be immediately booking a one way ticket to Italy for a little “chat” with the Volturi.

As for the vampire fascination thing, I won’t laugh at your Precious Moments collection, so if you don’t like me anymore because I love me some Sci-Fi-Fantasy, then bite me.
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